For example, ever see that direct-to-video CAPTAIN AMERICA movie that Albert Pyun directed? One could now say that CAPTAIN AMERICA was “half past dead.” Nor am I exaggerating when I say that HALF PAST DEAD is the kind of movie that is so bad that afterwards you want to go upstairs and beat the crap out of the projectionist in an attempt to send a message to the filmmakers! Not since HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING have I seen a movie this horrendous! HALF PAST DEAD is that fucking bad! It is a movie so off-the-charts horrible that it’s title is worthy of becoming a bad movie adjective. HALF PAST DEAD is not only the worst movie I’ve seen all year, but it is the single worst movie I have seen IN years! Admittedly, I have not seen the latest HALLOWEEN sequel, SCOOBY-DOO, THE NEW GUY, THE COUNTRY BEARS, JUWANNA MAN, any of this year’s crop of gross-out comedies, or anything that starred a former cast member of SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, but I’m extremely confident that none of those movies could hold a candle to the cinematic atrocity that is HALF PAST DEAD. I highly recommend that from now on whenever you are trying to come up with a word or phrase to sum up just how truly bad a movie that is so absolutely awful on every possible level of filmmaking, you should describe that movie as being “half past dead.” Unlike them however, I am not doing it to try to be hip or cool, but to simply state a personal opinion, one that I think many may take to heart. As much as I have always despised the concept of trying to force feed a new hip word or cool phrase into the English speaking populace, I am about to do just that. So you’re probably wondering, what the hell does that trip down bad memory lane have to do with the subject matter of this review? Well, it’s simple actually. A film critic describes a movie they like as being “wizard.” Does that really tell you anything? They continued this practice on the show, well, at least until it got cancelled six months later, but I only stuck around a few more episodes before I could just take no more. More importantly, I hated it because I just found it to be so utterly stupid. It’s almost as if you could envision those idiotic TV execs who are forever tormenting Krusty the Klown standing just off-camera thinking to themselves, this’ll bring the kids in. I hated that back then and I hate that today. Even as a kid with only a little media savvy, it reeked of a corporate decision to make a simple program seem cool in that artificial sort of way that has now become the norm on television. To this day, I still am not sure exactly why, but they’re doing this utterly insulted my intelligence as well as every fiber of my very being. With this said, the co-hosts began grinning like lobotomized idiots and hailed this new word and this new concept of bastardizing the English language for the sake of making a movie review sound far hipper that it could ever possibly be as the single greatest idea of the 20th century. I forget what the film was, but he hailed the movie as being “Crazyfresh.” When asked by his confused co-hosts about the meaning of the word “crazyfresh,” he gleefully explained that it was a cool sounding word he just made up and encouraged them and the viewers at home to begin using the phrase in real life. At least I did for the first few months until that one faithful episode when the mop-topped Greg Brady look-a-like gave a rating that forever soured me on the entire program. Seeing as how I was really into movies even back then, I watched this show religiously. For example, one graded a movie he liked as “Cool” and another who didn’t like a movie would give it an “S for Skip it.” You get the idea. Instead of the usual star system or “thumbs up/thumbs down” method of rating a movie, they’d grade it with a word or phrase they felt best described their opinion of the film. Some of you may remember this show, but for those who don’t, Rated K was Nick’s version of a movie review show featuring three young teenagers reviewing non-R rated films. I forget exactly what year this was, but Danger Mouse and You Can’t Do That On Television! were still airing so that should give you a hint as to the time frame. I remember this short-lived show that used to air on Nickelodeon back when I was growing up called Rated K: For Kids By Kids. You think you want to read another hilarious dissection of a hideous film? Try somewhere in the neighborhood of nine million words, all focused on HALF PAST DEAD. You didn’t know what you were asking for, though. I got a ton of mail after we ran the last few Foywonder reviews (for MONSTURD and EXTREME OPS, respectively) asking for more. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
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